Welp, as Fall has arrived, the holiday season is not far behind. I absolutely love Christmas and spending time with the Fam Bam, even the extension of friends. It is the time of year we get together, usually all of the kiddos are here, and it’s been this way for 24 years, our oldest is that old, lol. Later my parents and friends from church would come over. We do a non-traditional dinner, which is out tradition. We would eat, exchange gifts, and play games for prizes that are wrapped, we would even do the saran wrap ball, lol. Lots of giggles and fun. I deeply desire for it to be just as joyous, and at moments I am sure it will be, but it is going to likely be the hardest Christmas I have ever experienced…last Christmas was the last day I got to spend with my dad before he passed in January. As I sit and cry typing this out, I am okay, I am still grieving. The first of each holiday, the first of each yearly thing we would do, even when I would forget my heart and emotions remind me, even if I get mad for crying and not knowing why…I then realize.
Regardless knowing that I will see him again, which I do from time to time, in the moments driving down the road and seeing the driver of another car resemble him to the dreams I get to have that I get to speak with him and hug him again. Sometimes I cry, other times I am so full of warmth and joy. In any way I experience, it is all still a process. And….you can’t rush the process. Yeah, it sucks at times, yeah, I try to push it all down, but it eventually bursts out. I get angry for being so emotional sometimes, but knowing that I am not selfish, allows for some comfort in the moments of pain. I just cannot hurry the process. I must allow for things to move as they will, to experience as I will, and to know that it’s not a matter of time, but a matter of the process in which I need to go through to come to an end that is peace.